My life.

I’m right now stuck in a fucked up spot with this. There’s a funeral tomorrow that I need to go to, for myself, my friends, the person who has passed and her family. The past three weeks since she passed, from sudden unexpected death in epilepsy (SUDEP), has been fucking fucked. I’ve only been able to sleep every two nights, just from exhaustion, but I’ve been fully focused on saving any and all possible energy to get to this funeral. I’m in bed and my downstairs neighbour who moved in a couple of weeks ago has people over and they’re all kinds of fucked up, loud talking, shouting, stumbles, going in and out of the apartment etc. I’ve banged on the walls and the floor but they seem way too gone to even hear it. I should call in a disturbance report but I’m so far from being able to do that, it would fuck my qhole night as much as it does just letting them be. I’m so stuck that I’m crying on the inside but unable to do so physically and it’s all just hitting me like a rain of cannonballs. There’s one thing I hope can help, music, but my earpods are in the kitchen and even turning in bed feels too much right now. I don’t know how to het out of this, just stuck.

Why am I not doing them right now?

Because I just remembered you can install Seven Kingdoms II for free on Linux

I get past this by accepting that I’m not going to get everything done, picking the highest priority thing (or whatever I want to do the most if they’re the same) and reframing it as “Everything else can wait, I need to get this done today”. It’s not ideal but it does usually work that least get one thing off the list. Sometimes getting the one thing done will even get the juices flowing to start knocking other things off the list too.

I still haven’t moved my standing fan from my room back into storage. It’s fall. The heater kicked on a few days ago and I still haven’t moved the fan back…

I’m pretty good at pushing past those points. Just pushing, pushing, pushing until I collapse especially when I have someone else to push for.

Something something, therapist asking if I’ve dealt with getting a new psych for meds yet… ;-;

i setup a automation that triggers my hifi to blast music at me to jolt me off the couch. i usually turn it off once im standing up but it allows to create that initial transition im avoiding.

The graphical artifacting of mental illness.

It’s hard to normal things when “once in a lifetime” things keep happening all around us. I’m just trying to fold laundry and do dishes, meanwhile Pete Hugsucker is deflecting his ineptitude by threatening a live execution for a paraplegic man, the orange dumpster fire is… being the orange dumpster fire.

Life is hard right now and I’m just becoming more and more grateful I survived another day, even if all I did was couch rot.